Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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