He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
