I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
