There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
