Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
