I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Damn victory sex feels great
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
