swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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