My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
