I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I have tasted many bathrooms
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
