There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
