i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
