Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
