what day is it and did you see me today?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
