i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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