ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
