Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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