i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Randomize
