Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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