im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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