Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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