My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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