need another drink. this is the easiest way
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
