dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
