The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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