I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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