shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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