I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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