I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
