I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
