Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
