I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
NoShamevember. You game?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
