Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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