Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
