I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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