she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize