I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
