I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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