I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
