Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dick very happy bro
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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