My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
