I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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