I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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