I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So much rum. So many feels.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
