I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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