dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
