that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
