i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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