Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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