her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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