Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
