Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
