Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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