you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
