I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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