I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
