So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
