I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
