I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
