you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize