I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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