sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
