if i can run in heels then i can drive
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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