M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize