I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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