capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
