there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
