walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
