I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
